Hello dear ones,
Happy Monday! It’s the week of Thanksgiving. I’m so excited to see family up North for the holiday & for my husband to have a couple days off. We usually wait to put up our Christmas tree, but I think we might put it up this week, that way when we return from the suburbs of Chicago I can easily luxuriate in the glow of the Christmas tree.
I watched the movie “Meet Me in Saint Louis” this week. It’s an annual flick for me as we roll into Thanksgiving. Even though I feel so much joy as this holiday season approaches, my eyes filled with tears as Judy Garland’s character Esther sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” to her baby sister Tootie. Of course there is a sorrow unique to the film, as the girls’ papa is planning to relocate them all to New York. It is such a sugary sweet sadness that comes & goes this time of year. It’s like how very beautifully blue blue eyes turn when they cry.
Yes, I have a penchant for melancholy, but I’m guessing you know what I mean. I miss my family & friends & kitty who are no longer with us. My heart aches for those having their firsts without their dad or their daughter. My heart aches as my loved ones may be celebrating a last holiday season with a loved one or may be unable to be with family for other reasons this year.
I believe the ache is the weight of precious, precious love. I hope it is balanced by a buoying of the spirit warmed by memories, filled with cherished time & laughter & cozy quiet moments, too. If you are aching, you are not alone. You are loved.
Turning to gratitude now, as it helps me often. Last night, I performed as Feste, the singing jester, in a staged reading of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. My sister Laura was the director & she asked me to step in a few weeks ago. I will admit, I was nervous to take on the role as my body can be a bit unreliable & I sometimes experience crippling stage fright. As I tried setting Feste’s lyrics to music with my voice & guitar, I fell in love with the text. “This is really fun,” I said to Matt, my gracious first audience.
The play went so well. I wasn’t as nervous as I could have been & I was very proud of my very first performance playing guitar & singing in front of people, as I’ve only been playing guitar for a year & a half. I loved working with my generous 7 talented castmates with whom I laughed so hard each rehearsal.
The only thing that went wrong was that my rollator wheel broke off as I was sitting on it during a scene. I was so embarrassed, because no one likes to fall on their ass, but as we were doing a theater in-the-round style performance, I happened to fall right in front of my family, who helped me up. Luckily, I wasn’t hurt but momentarily. I cried, because I’m a crier, but only in front of my sisters in the bathroom between scenes. I breathed & splashed cool water on my neck & then, the show went on, as it must! My castmates were accommodating, as I had to perform the rest of the play with only a cane. Listen, it would have been cool if that had not happened, but I am so fucking proud of myself.
I am extra grateful today for my sister Laura, who believed in me as Feste. She saw me & told me I could do it. She encouraged me, never once doubting my gifts & abilities & accommodated me so I felt physically capable, too. Because she believed in me & asked me to play Feste, I got to have so much fun, meet wonderful people, & maybe rekindle a love of acting (that was 14 years quiet).
Last week I talked about light. Always, really, am I right? We need people in our lives who can see our light, even when we can’t, because maybe we tuck it away under layers of fear or anxiety.
When we were still in the planning stages, Matt’s Uncle Joe very plainly said to me after we had been playing guitar & singing a bit in our living room, then of course listening to & talking about music, “You’re not singing at your own wedding?” So, I decided to sing at my own wedding. People have asked me to sing at theirs. Why couldn’t I sing to my husband, who I sing to almost every single day? I was indeed very nervous, but it is a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life & I know he will, too. Very looking forward to hugging that dear, cheeky uncle later this week!!
We need people to spurn us on & I am so lucky to have them in my life. Of course, with gentleness, compassion, & love. But like, “Um, hi, I think you’re FREAKIN’ AWESOME & the world will, too.”
I am thankful, dear readers, for you. Please eat a little too much pie. Please be who you are, because you’re awesome! Don’t hide your love away.
I love you!
Annie
Today’s soundtrack:
“Thank You” by Sly & The Family Stone:
This high energy, albeit a bit unhinged, song, “The Spark” by Kabin Crew & Lisdoonvarna Crew, some Irish kids:
Lastly, for something completely different, in case you need to cry it out, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Judy Garland. The video is of the scene in “Meet Me in St. Louis”:
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