Hello dear ones & Happy Mother’s Day!
I’m writing to you from my bedroom as I sit in a very comfortable heather blue reclining rocking chair where soon, I’ll hold my baby in my arms, instead of in my belly. In front of me is his bassinet, fitted with a clean sheet. On my dresser sits a basket of tiny diapers & wipes. It is still quite wild in our house as we settle in. Matt works full time & I can’t really bend down or lift when I’m not pregnant, due to POTs & back issues. So, it’s taking plenty of time & a village. It feels really good to have our bedroom set up for the baby & a basket full of clean clothes & blankets ready for his arrival, because his nursery isn’t finished yet.
My mom’s friend’s husband, who is a contractor, worked on the nursery & is still working on projects around the house. In the baby’s room, he hung bead-board to cover the garish vinyl faux wood paneling from the sixties or seventies. He trimmed out the window & added molding. It’s beautiful. Each time I enter, I find a new little detail he tended to with so much care.
My mom painted all day on Mother’s Day eve. Matt helped her tape the high spots. I enjoyed taking breaks with her while I worked to keep setting up the kitchen to make it as accessible as possible for me. I am excited, too, for nesting to continue when my mother-in-law comes to visit after the baby’s born, because she’s a great organizer & I wonder what ideas she’ll have for our new space.
Both my mom & Matt’s mom have what seems like infinite energy. I am in awe of them. I worry that I won’t have that same energy to give to my child. I know a lesson I’ll be learning in motherhood (& life, generally) is that we shouldn’t compare, because everyone’s journey is so different. Love, I try to remember, is enough. My baby will grow with me & I with him & together with his dad, we will build a sustaining little ecosystem. It won’t look like anyone else’s because it will be our very own precious, beautiful, messy thing.
Because I am 36 weeks & five days pregnant & thus, this baby boy could come anytime now, I should tell you my plans for this newsletter after he is born, so you know what to expect. But in a kind of typical Annie fashion, I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do. I think for a month at least, I’ll take a break. I might require a bit more of a break after that, but also, writing helps me feel like myself & it might feel good to process & write about life with a newborn then. I’m going to play it by ear a bit, but I’ll keep you apprised of the situation. If you’d like to, you may pause your monthly subscription while I’m away. But as always, I’m always grateful for your support.
I’m going to leave you today with a story of my Tuesday night. My baby-sister-in-law Jackie came to visit on Monday so we could attend a Lucius concert together in Saint Louis Tuesday night. Lucius is an amazing band that centers around a powerhouse vocal duo of amazing ladies, who are also besties. Jackie, Matt, & I each have a relationship with their music that runs deep & goes way back. Both vocalists Holly & Jess have babies on tour with them right now & after all the seasons of my life I’ve listened to their music in, it felt so special to be pregnant at their show. I was very excited about the opener as well, a musician named Victoria Canal.
Admittedly, I know only one of her songs very well. She played it during her set & I listened joyfully with tears. The song is called “Braver,” & it’s about her mother. As the baby of my family, I think I get to observe my parents with a bit of distance & perhaps reverence. The song means so much to me, because it makes me think of my own mother. My mom went through a lot in her pregnancy with me & was very sick, as it turned out she had undiagnosed pre-eclampsia. She suffered from serious complications during my birth, which was an emergency c-section.
Sometimes I think I loved her & missed her, all perfectly healthy nine pounds of me, as I waited in the nursery for her care team to save her life as she hemorrhaged. I have never taken for granted what she went through to give me life & how her body seemed to give me every good thing. “We made it,” she often says to me reassuringly when the story of my birth comes up.
After her set, Matt & I took a polaroid to place in the book Victoria Canal has fans assemble so she can remember them when her tour ends. In our photo, we are so happy, all four of our hands on my belly. “Annie, look to your right,” Matt said & there was Victoria herself. We hugged & I thanked her, told her how much I loved her music & especially her song, “Braver.” I felt starstruck by her. She seemed equally excited when I told her I was pregnant & that I was so happy our baby got to attend her concert in utero. Matt captured the moment.
Happy Mother’s Day, dear ones. To those of you who are mothers to human children & those who long to be. To those who have babies or mamas in heaven. To those of you who mother animals who need you. To the aunts who love their nieces & nephews fiercely & the women who love & nurture all the children in their village. To my friends for the times we mother each other. To the mother energy inside of us. What does it mean or look like to you? How can we honor it today & everyday? The ferocity & tenderness. The unconditional love. The bravery.
Until next week,
Annie
Soundtrack:
“Braver” by Victoria Canal
These lines make me think of my mama: “Miracle bender, you survived & somehow you had me. Even still, all the strength in your will, well you’re braver than I’ve ever been. What I’d give to have known you back then.” <3
“Do It All For you” by Lucius
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