Hello dear ones,
I’m sorry there was no Annie-gram last Sunday. It was moving day! Following my Southern Illinois baby shower on Saturday. It was so sweet. I started the weekend tired & ended the weekend tired & almost feel like I could just sleep the days away until our baby boy arrives–so soon.
This evening, Matt & I said goodbye to our apartment. He was outside loading the final odds & ends with my mom, dad, & amazing nephew Sully, & came in to find me sitting/resting on the floor, playing the Grateful Dead song “Box of Rain” on my phone. He knelt down beside me.
I listened to that song a lot when we moved from Chicago into our apartment, the first we found together in Southern Illinois after months of incredible turmoil including: the acquisition of a life-changing disability for me & world-altering pandemic for all of us. That time of physical separation when he still lived in our apartment in Chicago & I lived with my parents as I learned to navigate life with CRPS, etc., really crystalized how much we love each other & how much we want to be together.
On the floor of our empty apartment, with our baby tucked up under my ribs, we each shed a few tears. This was our box of rain, where we nestled in the trees next to a full creek amidst a slew of heavy midsummer thunderstorms. We got engaged there & got married at a park a couple miles down the road. Matt lost his job due to pandemic layoffs. He quit drinking & we both quit some habits we’d picked up along life’s way that were hurting ourselves & each other. We fell apart there. We came back together stronger. We saw our kitty Scrambles through his illness & lost him. We adopted Dino from the backyard. Matt found a new job. We embarked on our journey into parenthood & began dreaming of a life with our baby boy. I learned how to play guitar & started writing this weekly letter. We sat around the fire or lounged on the couch with our best friends & watched our nieces & nephews grow.
There is so much in one life. In two. In three.
It’s time. We outgrew our old place, but man, we sure did a lot of growing there. I’m happy & yet remain bewildered by the passage of time. It’s all so precious. Every bad thing that breathes perfectly-timed life into the next, good thing. There is so much to learn & live & only a bit of time to do it. As I tried to scoop spider egg sacs off of a bin in the garage & place them in the grass, I said, “I’m trying to be gentle. I’m a mother, too!” I paused at the sound, the meaning of my words.
Matt said he was ready to leave, ready to let go of the feeling that if he just kept his eyes closed tightly for a while, nothing would change. This sentiment made me cry harder, ha ha– & laugh that I’m the poet among us.
Wouldn’t you like to savor it? Just to stop & drag on the sweetness, on the honey of these days. Whether you’re in a time of wounding or a time of wonder, we won’t be back here again–in this very place of alive-ness. It’s all coming & going, seasons inside of each of us, & I hope you know how lucky, how blessed I know I am to be here on the Earth right now with you. Thank you for reading.
Until next week,
Annie
Soundtrack:
“Our House” Demo by Graham Nash & Joni Mitchell. He wrote the song about their relationship. Her laughter itself is like an instrument!
“Move On Up” by Curtis Mayfield
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